#1 – Not having a healthy sexual integrity
Shannon Etheridge in her book “Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment” describes sexual integrity as a balance of purity in all four aspects of our being (mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual). Etheridge states, “if you focus a great deal on one of these aspects, but completely neglect another, it causes your sexual integrity to tilt and become unstable which leads you to fall into compromising yourself in one of the other four aspects.” For example, when a woman jeopardizes her emotional integrity (heart) then it will lead her physical integrity (body) to become vulnerable to temptation. If we protect our emotional (heart) then we will protect our physical (body).
#2 – Not properly discerning your motives.
Achieving and maintaining integrity in mind, body, heart, and soul is not an easy task, but can be done by discerning your motives: Why am I thinking certain thoughts; why am I flirting with this guy; why am I am dressing this way; why am I touching or allowing myself to be touched this way. Once you assess and understand your motives, work to redirect yourself towards satisfying or meeting those needs in more healthier ways. This is one way of protecting yourself from the negative consequences that disillusioned sexual activity can lead to. Some wounds and needs run so deep you may need the help of a professional counselor or pastor to support you as you seek wholeness in your mind, body, heart, and soul.
#3 – Not setting proper boundaries and listening to wisdom.
When dating make sure to date people who share your desire and goal for sexual integrity as well as set proper boundaries in how you spend time together. Wisdom and discretion are also great tools to assist you in protecting yourself and aid you in your efforts to preserve your sexual integrity. Here are some tools to help: 1) clarify your motives and intentions, 2) seek professional help with addressing misguided needs and desires, 3) begin dating with goals and boundaries in mind; and 4) seeking wisdom and using discretion will help you make good choices with clear judgment and insight as well as lead and guide you in your quest for sexual integrity. Here is a wise proverb to lead you in your efforts of walking in wisdom and discretion:
For God gives wisdom. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse, who have left the straight paths to walk in dark ways, who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways. Proverbs 2:6-15
However, some women are coping with sexually addictive behavior patterns such as:
- excessive flirting, dancing, or personal grooming to be seductive
- wearing provocative clothing whenever possible (a form of exhibitionism)
- changing one’s appearance via excessive dieting, excessive exercise, and/or reconstructive surgery to be seductive
- seeking sexual partners in high-risk locations; multiple extramarital affairs
- disregard of appropriate sexual boundaries (e.g., considering a married man, one’s boss, or one’s personal physician as appropriate objects of romantic involvement)
- trading sex for drugs, help, affection, money, social access, or power
- having sex with someone they just met at a party, bar, or on the internet (forms of anonymous sex);
- compulsive masturbation.
What to do if you are out of control?
If you are a woman who finds herself struggling with compulsive, or unsuccessful attempts to control sexual behavior and continues sexual behavior despite negative consequences and/or battle obsessive thoughts in planning or obtaining love, romantic connections, or sex; you are a candidate for more in-depth help and support. Even though you may feel ashamed or embarrassed by your behaviors and thoughts; you are not alone.
- Breaking your silence is the first step in recovery. Find a trusted person, such as a therapist or clergy you can talk with in detail about your struggles and receive accountability to support your recovery.
- Secondly, make a plan of clear boundaries for prevention of succumbing to the unwanted behaviors.
- Thirdly, recognize the signs and your triggers of the addictive behaviors and set boundaries such as putting tracking devices on smartphones and computers so others can monitor your online behavior.
- Lastly, make good use of addiction resources like 12-step meetings and recovery support groups. Here are two national organizations that have resources to aid, support, and equip you to be successful in your recovery:
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH)
National: (770) 989-9754
SASH is an invaluable resource providing information for professionals and recovering people regarding therapists, treatment centers, support groups and written materials.
National 12 step program for sexual addicts and those with patterns of unhealthy romantic relationships. Greater female attendance, some “women only” meetings.
Tondra Gregory is a nationally certified therapist working in New York City.
